PUTTING A GOOD FACE ON IT....

I am under siege! Every day I come under a constant barrage of complaints from my 13 year old daughter: "It's not fair. All my friends are doing/wearing/having/getting it."

Last year “it” was getting a signet ring (heart-shaped, preferably with a red stone, not silver).  I daresay next year “it” will be something equally as earth-shattering to a girl of her age.

At the moment, “it” refers to the wearing of make-up.  I might add that after watching her friends closely, I have found no evidence to support her claim that they’re all doing anything, except gang up on me.  One signet ring does not a sorority make.

I intend to go down fighting, though.  I vow I will not succumb to the endless sniping.  It may be paltry ammunition but the tried and true “when I was your age...." will hold her off for a while and then I can trot out my favourite, “I’ll think about it”.  Recycling is the key to resistance.

It has occurred to me that I can’t hold out forever.  In the meantime, I have decided to write down all those little grooming tricks only experience can teach you so as to give her a head-start when she finally get the go-ahead.

Nearly thirty years of slapping on foundation and the like has taught me a lot and who better to benefit from my painful lessons than my own daughter?

The first tip that springs to mind concerns lipstick.  I will tell her never, never put on lipstick in a moving car, especially if she is driving. Apart from the safety aspect, one good bump and she’ll look like Ronald McDonald in drag.

Hairspray is another tricky part of a woman’s routine.  I’ll make sure she knows never to keep her spray deodorant near the hairspray.  The reason for this is twofold.  Should she pick up the wrong can, deodorant will not keep her hair in pace very well. Secondly, she could give herself a nasty rash in the armpit area, and if she has neglected to shave in that spot for a while, severe scrathing.

Similarly, I must remember to tell her about the pitfalls of keeping her toothpaste anywhere near her father’s tub of shaving soap.  Mixing up the two takes mouth hygiene to new heights, although I can’t comment on how well toothpaste would lather up a rough, manly beard. Which leads neatly to my next hint...

She should always make sure to shave her legs before going to any doctor, especially the gynaecologist.  It is not a nice experience to realise, belatedly, that your legs look and feel like large pin cushions.  I was caught out once at the cardiologists’s because I had not realised he would be sticking little sensors to my ankles.

I will warn her to be alert when she has just bought a new eyeliner pencil. After using an every-reducing stub of pencil for a few months, there’ll be no need to stand so close to the mirror. A poke in the eye with a new, longer pencil just before a big date will do nothing for her confidence (or appearance).  Still on the eye area, I’d better tell her not to sneeze just after applying the mascara or she’ll look like the victim of a practical joke.

Finally, I’ll give her the benefit of my eye-popping experience in the acrylic nail arena.  For the first few days after those fabulous, long nails have been applied, she should be very, very careful when she blows her nose.

For now, I’ll put these personal grooming hints away in a safe place until that long-awaited day when I say: “Ye gods, girl! Okay, okay! Just stop your damned whining!”

Originally published in The Courier Mail 18.4.95 © SMG

A PSYCHIC BENT....

The article announced that Diana, an amazing US psychic, was to focus on Queensland at noon that Sunday.  If we readers were also to concentrate at noon, holding a spoon or fork, whilst staring into the eyes of the accompanying photograph of the psychic, we could discover our own powers.

I devoured the story, soaking up the instructions and realised I would need to clear the house of all negative vibes. This meant my husband, The Great Sceptic, must be persuaded to go out with the children. I knew I would not be able to concentrate if I could feel his cynicism close at hand.  I cunningly discussed the idea of seeing a movie within earshot of the youngest and, true to form, after considerable nagging on her part, he caved and had the brilliant idea of taking the girls to the movies.

By 11.45am I was sure I had everything ready.  I went over the instructions again, so I would be sure not to omit any important step.  As well as a sturdy, unbent spoon, on a tray on my lap, I had my late mother-in-law’s broken watch and several bent pins; working on the theory that if something can be bent, it could be “unbent”.

I settled quietly in the lounge chair and at last it was noon.  I followed the instructions precisely, staring into Diana’s eyes for a minute or two, then closed my own while holding the spoon. A few minutes later, I could hardly contain my surprise as I felt the spoon warm and twist in my grasp.  Opening my eyes, I found it had twisted several times. As well, the watch was ticking loudly and the pins were quite straight.

Although I had always believed in such things, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I had always felt this sort of thing only worked for other people. But now it was happening to me.  Amazement had me shaking like a leaf. Just as I thought of phoning my sister to share the news with her, I felt a nudge on the shoulder.

“Look, look, look,” said a disembodied voice in my ear.  I was puzzled to see my husband’s face.

Disorientated at first, I realised I must have fallen asleep after staring into Diana’s eyes. I checked the tray on my lap and there was my “proof”, exactly as it had been before noon!  I must have dreamed the whole thing.  Disillusioned, I was in no mood to look at whatever The Great Sceptic had to show me.

“I would never have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself,” he was saying. “Look at this!” He waved his car keys in my face.

“During the movie, I was thinking about how you’d be staring into that woman’s eyes and I was jingling the keys in my pocket.  They started to feel warm but I didn't think much of it until we got to the car and I took them out.  Then I saw that the bent one was straight!  Look.  I couldn't wait to get home to show you.”

Other people......

Originally published in The Women's Weekly February 1994 © SMG